bottom line: people are funny about money. bite the bullet up front (well, maybe wait until you are going steady) and you will see the person’s true colors about money. of course, there is still the risk that the person is good at hiding intentions, but if you have substantial resources, then you ought to prenup and that should be clear up front too. if person is funny about prenup, then move on. after all, you worked hard (yes, even trust fund kids) for the money, so protect it in case the person ends up being a terd. you managed risk in your investments, so why wouldn’t you manage risk in a marriage? ok, now i’ve rally gone beyond the original post topic, but fairy tales do have a story after “the end”…

Had she told him any sooner, it probably would have freaked him out. Big differences in income OR assets are hard to get over. It wouldn’t be easy for her to talk about either – for years, she wouldn’t spend her dad’s money because it was like losing her dad all over again.

I wouldn’t have had that chat until a couple years into the relationship, either, at 18 (she’s now 25).

And consider the flipside: when is it ethical to divulge that you are tens (or hundreds) of thousands of dollars in debt, that you have terrible credit, that you have an extremelly negative net worth?

If both people are older and have had families and careers behind them, for instance, I don’t think having a lot of money – or not – is really a major relationship issue. But if a 23 year old happens to have a $5MM trust fund, how can she honestly plan a future with someone without divulging that?

Second, I also agree that we, as a culture, seem uncomfortable with discussing money. I, also, think that we don’t do enough to educate ourselves to make our money work for us.

In the end, wealth would have to eventually be discussed. If not, I could totally understand the mate feeling hurt and as if the wealthy person didn’t trust them enough to divulge.

Even if you’re not flaunting it an observant boy friend will look around and start to ask questions. You can demure on the 2nd or 3rd date but if it continues you’ll quickly have trust issues.

Spill early and risk some financial exposure. If you don’t like the way it’s going and can’t come to a mutual understanding then throw the bum out.

It’s better to know sooner than later and a lot cheaper too.

I am getting married soon and my fiancee and I are completely straight forward with our finances. (And we have been long before the marriage proposal.) We both have access to each other’s accounts and statements. We both make decent money so there was no income disparity to worry about. I can see the hesitation to disclose a large income with potential suitors, but a serious relationship demands openness. Especially with finances.

The fact that its even a question is a problem in my mind. If you want to have a real long term open healthy relationship with someone, you have to be honest with them. That means you should openly discuss money – even on the first date. To do otherwise sets a bad precedent.

But wait, you might say, what if the person you are dating just wants to be with you for your money. Well, I think its reasonable to expect that the average joe or jane can figure out if this is the case.

Best,

James

I think financial disclosure in the early stages of a relationship doesn’t have to be about numbers – it should be about values. They should be trying to figure out if they share the same ideas about saving, spending, retirement, and a lot of other topics before getting into the hard numbers of what they already have. That can come sometime around an engagement or when people move in together.

I would never want to be loved or desired based on my financial position. Fortunately (!), when I met the love of my life, I was very poor and he was even more poor than I. Neither of us has to wonder what the other is in it for. On the other hand, while we are now great business partners in the best sense of the term, I recall when I was unattached being scrutinized by potential partners as to whether I’d make a good business partner. And in that case, it was not in a good sense of the term. These men looked at me in order to determine whether I would be a good partner in their personal quest for financial fulfillment. That can be a good or bad thing, and in the cases I recall, it was a bad thing. I do think it wise for a person having the goal of financial success not to ruin it by getting together with someone who would threaten that, but seeking a relationship with someone based on their earning/career/inheritance power is a different matter.

No, I wouldn’t tell my boyfriend if I were rich, and I would take care not to imply it in general. The right partner would not only focus on the right things, but had better have enough brains to learn a great deal about the person he/she is getting involved with. Financial attitudes reveal themselves soon enough, and they are far more important than the financial specifics in a relationship.

Someone can’t use your money if you don’t let them.