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Do people have any kind of control over whom they fall in love with? Perhaps Cupid’s arrow strikes randomly, and there is no choice but to obey the heart — or chemicals in the brain — or sexual urges. But once that initial response has subsided, if you and your partner are headed for a life-long or major long-term relationship, there should be some discussion about money.

What role does that discussion have in determining the path of your relationship?

Relationships coupleA recent study explains that opposites don’t attract in relationships. If you’ve ever looked at relationships where each member of the couple is on a different side of a money-related philosophy, you’ve probably suspected this to be the case. A habitual spender in debt and a frugal saver could have a relationship full of conflict; or, if to avoid conflict money is never part of a conversation, the financial damage could be worse in the future.

Avoidance of tough discussions about money, deliberately hiding financial problems, and outright lying about a financial situation could be more damaging than the financial problems alone. When everything is out in the open, and the couple is fully aware of their individual finances, would a difference in philosophy be enough to curtain the relationship before it progressed to a more serious state?

Ginger, who wrote a guest article for Consumerism Commentary, argued that smart women should marry for money. Although the article was misunderstood by many readers, she was not saying that women should marry for quantity of money, but for their approach to money. A smart, independent woman shouldn’t need to take care of a husband as if she were his mother. The same may be true for men, though traditional sex roles tend to make the man-supporting-woman paradigm more acceptable.

There is more that goes into a successful relationship that being financially compatible. Differences in religion, social issues, values, and goals are important to address. This is a financial website, though, and readers are generally focused on their thoughts surrounding money. In planning to move a relationship forward, how important is a compatible philosophy of money when compared to other matters that define compatibility? Would you be willing to accept a difference in opinion about a divisive political issue before you accept someone who doesn’t share the same financial values? Or do you feel that you might be able to sway your partner’s approach to money more easily than changing other philosophical differences?

I’m interested in hearing opinions from every reader. What was or should be the role of money in choosing a relationship? Leave your comments below.

Photo: Dragunsk
Wired

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It’s easy to focus on the personal policies that help improve your net worth immediately. Saving money, investing thoughtfully, and earning income affect your bottom line immediately. This view can be shortsighted occasionally. Focusing effort on your personal human capital can have a greater affect on your net worth over the course of the rest of your life. There are certain things anyone can do to improve the probability of being financially secure in the future. Focusing on your health can ensure you’ll have many income-earning years in the future.

There is much about your finances you can control, but some circumstances, while they can be prepared for, are difficult to predict. The same is true about health. The best anyone can do is take good care of his mind and body to reduce the chance that health will be a major concern.

Get health insurance. If you do not have a job that offers group health insurance and do not have access through a family member, finding coverage can be expensive. When I left my corporate job last year, I investigated prices for individual health coverage in New Jersey, and coverage similar to what I had at the company cost over one thousand dollars a month. Basic coverage was significantly less, but the benefits were not as comprehensive as what I had with my prior HMO plan. When I left the job, I had access to COBRA coverage, which extended the same coverage I had, but the premiums were no longer subsidized. The monthly fee was expensive, but manageable.

Jogging GirlsDon’t make any insurance payment mistakes. If you are paying for health insurance coverage on your own, create an automated payment plan. One missed payment can give the health insurance company cause to cancel your coverage.

Reduce your intake of unhealthy food. You don’t have to be a health fanatic. You can make some easy changes to your diet that should improve your health over the long term. For the most part, I no longer drink soda, opting for water instead. I don’t consider myself a health expert, and there are still many improvements to my diet that could result in increased health, but my plan for now is to be more conscious about the food I eat.

Stay active. If you’re not an athlete, there’s no need to undertake a massive campaign for exercise. If you have a job that keeps you sitting at a desk for most of the day, though, consider compensating for a sedentary lifestyle by taking some time to keep your muscles active. I joined a gym recently and I’m still looking to find a routine that works for me. I have lost some weight and I feel healthier in general. The challenge is maintaining this with a work and travel schedule that keeps me busy, making it difficult for me to set aside regular time.

I don’t always recommend joining a gym, though. Some people may find the environment motivating, but for others, it will cost less money in the long run to exercise independently, without a monthly fee. The most important aspect is to stay active, regardless of how it’s accomplished. Even if you find the best way for you to stay active is to join a gym, spending that money now to stay in shape could pay off in the future through improved health.

Get good sleep, quality and quantity. I combined a good mattress, good sheets, and good pillows and was halfway towards improving my sleep. Throughout my life, I had never really achieved quality sleep. As far back as middle school, I often stayed up late at night computer programming and running a bulletin board system. This lasted throughout high school. In college, I spent my days in class, studying, and practicing, while spending many nights designing and maintaining websites. Later on, my time outside of my day jobs was also spent working on websites. All of this left very little time for sleep, and the sleep I did get wasn’t comfortable.

I didn’t have to spend a lot of money to fix this problem. Finding the right mattress took some time, but I’m satisfied with the one I have now. I discovered that “memory foam” pillows don’t bother my neck and back as other pillows. Someone introduced me to cotton jersey knit sheets, and I find these much more comfortable than other cotton or satin sheets. Once I was able to combine this with seven to eight hours of uninterrupted sleep every night, I wake up refreshed and I can get through everyday without becoming exhausted.

From Forbes:

Talking of getting a good night’s sleep — critical for boosting memory — the key is to let melatonin do its trick. That’s a versatile hormone produced by the brain. It synchronizes the biological clock, regulates sleep and is a powerful antioxidant. Scientists believe it strengthens the immune system and has a strong link to preventing depression, cardiovascular disease, some cancers and sexual dysfunction.

Visit your doctor and dentist. Just having insurance isn’t enough. Visit the doctor twice a year for check-ups and get any tests appropriate for your age. The same applies to the dentist. When I was in college, I don’t think I visited a dentist once. I returned to my home state of New Jersey several months after graduating to work at my new job, and after receiving insurance, I made my first appointment with a dentist in years. It was a good thing my teeth and gums weren’t in worse shape than they were. Flossing and brushing keeps gums healthy, and healthy gums help increase the chance of maintaining the health of the rest of your body.

Quit smoking (or don’t start). While everyone seems to have an anecdote to share about a two-pack-a-day smoker who lived beyond 100 years, this isn’t the norm. You can improve your health — and your short-term finances — by quitting smoking. You’ll save money today, you’ll be healthier so that you can continue earning money, and you’ll feel healthier. Quitting may not b an easy feat, but all ex-smokers I know are happy they made the decision.

Manage your stress. I’ve never been more stressed in my life than I have been as a business owner. I’ve made my way through my life until this point generally avoiding stress, not letting myself get too emotionally involved in my work. It’s different when it’s my own business, and dealing stress has been difficult for me. I use relaxation techniques to help deal with stress, particularly when I know the situations that cause stress can’t be avoided.

Staying healthy can reduce your downtime at work and help you make the most of your income-earning years. Your health might help you extend those years, as well. While I get the impression that the media emphasize health too much, to the point at which unhealthy individuals as marginalized. In order to be healthy, you don’t need to look like an actor or athlete, but paying attention to these few core health principles can be worthwhile for anyone interested in being financially secure. A good attitude towards health and a few healthy habits can increase your human capital.

Photo: mikebaird

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In her new book, Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference, the author, Cordelia Fine cites studies that show how our lives are affected directly by the labels we give ourselves. I’m not interested in the strictly gender-related aspects of this discussion, at least not for Consumerism Commentary, but I am interested in the study that was related to an audience via NPR.

People in the study were asked to imagine the life of a certain vocation. Those running the study separated the subjects into one group asked to visualize the life of a physics professor, while the other group considered what it would be like to be a cheerleader. Then, the study required the subjects to imagine themselves in those roles. Those in the first group were more likely to consider themselves clever while the others were more likely to consider themselves gorgeous.

That result provides some insight into how visualization can change the perception of ourselves, but that’s not quite startling. The interesting part is what follows:

The exercise had actual effects on how people performed on tests. Those who had identified with the professor performed better on tests of analytic intelligence than those who had identified with the cheerleader!

Not only were those in the physics professor group more likely to consider themselves clever, they were tested and proven to be more clever — as a result, the researchers concluded, of the visualization technique.

I haven’t read the book, and I haven’t analyzed the study. From what I’ve seen of criticisms, the sample may have been too small to conclude anything significant about the effect of this type of visualization in psychology and neurobiology. I believe visualization is important, but it is not alone going to change one’s life, unlike some pop psychology advice. You cannot manifest a change in your life, like being smarter, more attractive, or wealthier, just by imagining what life would be like for someone who is smarter, more attractive of wealthier. The Law of Attraction is an idea that changes in one’s life can manifest just by focusing thoughts on a particular issue.

I can’t manifest a steak dinner just by thinking about a steak dinner, and chances are you can’t, either. Focusing thoughts on something is necessary to make a change in your life, but it’s only the starting point. I improved my finances and moves from a negative net worth to a positive net worth just about a decade ago, and this wouldn’t have been possible until I stopped to think about my situation. My life didn’t magically change; I had to make conscious decisions — and I was not used to making conscious decision in most areas of my life — and take direct actions to improve my money management skills.

Visualization is not a fruitless exercise. If you’re a fan of his investing style, consider Warren Buffett. Get to know him. Think about what his life might be like, from the moment he rises until he falls asleep each night. Consider what he might think about on a daily basis. Now imagine you are Warren Buffett, not just by imagining having the same sources of stress and frustration, work and leisure, but by being him inside and out.

If Buffett doesn’t work for you, maybe Bill Gates is your man — or Steve Jobs. Maybe your goal is entrepreneurial. Maybe you’d rather have a woman as a role model. Choose the individual whose success you most relate to, and let their thoughts, feelings, and concerns — or what you imagine them to be — occupy your body and mind for a while.

This may be where some pop psychology ends — just the visualization is enough to lead to success. I think there must be more. This is just the first step. Now, with frequent visualization reminders, make the decisions your role models would make. Ask yourself, “What would Gates do?” and follow that path. You may not be right all the time. Your role model might make a different choice than the one you’d expect, so the more you know about your role model, the more accurate your decision-making will be. Decision-making is an active process, and participation is mandatory. Although I didn’t realize this until I was in my late twenties, and some aspects of my life I still leave to chance despite knowing better, the more I play an active role in my life, the better it is.

By focusing on what your role model would do and taking this approach to decision-making every day, it will become second nature. You won’t have to think about what Buffett would do when deciding to invest in a company because your process will automatically identify the more Buffett-favored option (assuming your understanding of Buffett is accurate enough). By making the choices as if you were someone more successful from you, the choices will eventually result in your success. This isn’t pop psychology, it’s simply understanding how your role models make decisions and learning from them. Visualization is just the first step.

There’s a wrong way to do this, though. Consider the choice of spending $80,000 on a new BMW or $18,000 on a new Honda Civic. What would Buffett do? Well, if he drives rather than outsources his transportation to a driver, he might buy the BMW. $80,000 might be a drop in the bucket to him, considering his total wealth. But what would Buffett do if he had your net worth? Well, if your net worth dictates the Civic is the better choice for future financial stability, he would choose the Civic.

Be relating — or conflating — yourself to your financial heroes, you find yourself making better decisions about money. A series of better financial decisions results in increases of net worth beyond what you might experience if you continue living your life without considering the differences in decision-making between yourself and those whose success you admire.

NPR

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Today’s guests on the Consumerism Commentary Podcast are Scott and Bethany Palmer, also known as The Money Couple. The Money Couple talks about many topics in their book, First Comes Love, Then Comes Money: A Couple’s Guide to Financial Communication such as financial infidelity, money personalities and how couples can better understand each others’ money quirks in order to have a happier relationship.

Consumerism Commentary Podcast #113
The Money Couple, Scott & Bethany Palmer: S05E09 / 136

DownloadRSSiTunes

Table of contents

[00:00] Introduction from Tom Dziubek
[00:34] Interview with The Money Couple
[00:50] How Scott and Bethany met
[01:26] How soon financial discussions came into their relationship
[02:33] Financial infidelity
[03:39] Financial infidelity in Scott & Bethany’s relationship
[05:41] Having a financial relationship
[07:49] Transparency in a financial relationship
[09:25] Financial infidelity vs. sexual infidelity
[13:27] The money personalities
[16:49] Whether people with different personalities can have a successful relationship
[21:50] When a couple should start discussing finances
[23:35] Financial philosophies that Scott and Bethany have disagreed on
[25:13] Fighting fair
[27:55] The Financial Infidelity Quotient
[28:54] The stress that health issues can place on a relationship
[33:56] End

We always welcome feedback from listeners. If you have any comments for this episode or for any other, or if you have suggestions for future episodes, please leave us comments here or email us at podcast at this domain name.

Theme music by Mindcube.

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